How to Always Know What to Say and Do
January 29th, 2007
[Words: 491, Reading Time: 2-2.5 minutes]
Social skills, like confidence, come from a different place than what most people think. Looking outside you has rarely, if ever, led to a solution to your problems.
Probably the most common problem people claim to have in social situations is that they don’t know what to say or what to do.
A regularly suggested solution is asking, “What would a cool person do in this situation?†which at first seems like a good idea. But the subtext of that question is that you aren’t cool. You need to constantly think about what a cool person is (clearly not you!) and think how’d they’d act.
This places your reference point outside yourself. It also offers no pathway for you becoming self-reliant. It’s a crutch, and just like actual crutches don’t develop strong legs, mental crutches don’t develop strong self-belief.
Asking, “What would a cool person do?†has the disadvantage of making you over think. Am I being cool? Am I being cool? Predominantly those with social confidence issues over think as it is, so this exercise does little to rectify it. Also, a cool person never asks the question “am I being cool now?â€
(There is a variation of this is to ask, “What would my ideal self do?†It’s still not perfect. At the very least you’re looking towards your own standards and ideals. The benefit is in order to use this variation you have to define who you want to be first.)
So how can you always know what to say and do? Simply affirm what you want to be.
- “I always know what to say.â€
- “I always say the right thing.â€
- “I always know what to do.â€
- “I always do the right thing.â€
This is like an exercise in future forgiveness. When forgiving ourselves, we accept that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. We simply could not have done any better.
This is true of future events as well. You will do the best you’re able to. But forgiveness and acceptance aside, imagine how confidently (assuredly) you’d act if you knew you were doing the right things.
Once you begin to hold this belief it frees up so much of your mental energies to be in the moment. You’re no longer in your head worrying incessantly about what to say, rather you’re able to respond to the other people and enjoy the conversation – which is the whole point, isn’t it?
If this seems too simple it’s a good chance you’re looking for a complex solution. Solutions don’t need to be complex, in fact, the simpler the better.
It’s important to note though that all of our confusion stems from having a fuzzy outcome in mind. Saying “I don’t know what to do/say†in any situation is the same as asking how to proceed. If you’re caught up in the ‘how’ it’s a good indication that you’re not clear on the ‘what’.
New Categories and Social Skills
January 29th, 2007
Hey all,
I’ve split the “Confidence” category into the sub categories as outlined in “The 8 Components of True Inner Confidence” since the article list is beginning to develop into quite the resource. It’s my intention that this will help readers see how the areas are interlinked and find posts that relate to the area of confidence they’re working on.
Due to popular demand as well, I’ve also set up a “Life Coaching” category, and a “Social Skills” category. The Life Coaching category will talk about areas to do with coaching (Coaching vs Teaching, Why get a coach, etc), since this area is still so vague for most people.
The Social Skills section will not be a list of techniques and lines to use (in any situation). Moreso I aim to deal with underlying beliefs and self talk that will change the way you perceive social interactions, and help you get along better with people. Think concepts, not techniques.
I hope you enjoy the changes, and if you’ve any suggestions or feedback, please contact me.
Absolutely brilliant and Inspiring Blog
January 28th, 2007
Hey,
I read a lot of other people’s blogs and post comments on them where I feel relevant. One blog in particular that I’ve come to enjoy is the Think Happy Thoughts Happiness Blog.
It is just so simple and honest that I can’t help but be inspired by it. I hope you enjoy it.
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