How to Always Know What to Say and Do
29 January 2007[Words: 491, Reading Time: 2-2.5 minutes]
Social skills, like confidence, come from a different place than what most people think. Looking outside you has rarely, if ever, led to a solution to your problems.
Probably the most common problem people claim to have in social situations is that they don’t know what to say or what to do.
A regularly suggested solution is asking, “What would a cool person do in this situation?†which at first seems like a good idea. But the subtext of that question is that you aren’t cool. You need to constantly think about what a cool person is (clearly not you!) and think how’d they’d act.
This places your reference point outside yourself. It also offers no pathway for you becoming self-reliant. It’s a crutch, and just like actual crutches don’t develop strong legs, mental crutches don’t develop strong self-belief.
Asking, “What would a cool person do?†has the disadvantage of making you over think. Am I being cool? Am I being cool? Predominantly those with social confidence issues over think as it is, so this exercise does little to rectify it. Also, a cool person never asks the question “am I being cool now?â€
(There is a variation of this is to ask, “What would my ideal self do?†It’s still not perfect. At the very least you’re looking towards your own standards and ideals. The benefit is in order to use this variation you have to define who you want to be first.)
So how can you always know what to say and do? Simply affirm what you want to be.
- “I always know what to say.â€
- “I always say the right thing.â€
- “I always know what to do.â€
- “I always do the right thing.â€
This is like an exercise in future forgiveness. When forgiving ourselves, we accept that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. We simply could not have done any better.
This is true of future events as well. You will do the best you’re able to. But forgiveness and acceptance aside, imagine how confidently (assuredly) you’d act if you knew you were doing the right things.
Once you begin to hold this belief it frees up so much of your mental energies to be in the moment. You’re no longer in your head worrying incessantly about what to say, rather you’re able to respond to the other people and enjoy the conversation – which is the whole point, isn’t it?
If this seems too simple it’s a good chance you’re looking for a complex solution. Solutions don’t need to be complex, in fact, the simpler the better.
It’s important to note though that all of our confusion stems from having a fuzzy outcome in mind. Saying “I don’t know what to do/say†in any situation is the same as asking how to proceed. If you’re caught up in the ‘how’ it’s a good indication that you’re not clear on the ‘what’.
3 Responses to “How to Always Know What to Say and Do”
February 2nd, 2007 at 8:22 pm
[…] I really liked this article by Colm O’Reilly. It’s called ‘How To Always Know What To Say And Do’. It contains some affirmations which I believe are highly effective. […]
February 7th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Hi,
Most people generally speak and then think. When they actually do think it’s just too late sometimes. The damage is done.
You have given some practicle advice. Very useful post.
Thank you
Sham
February 27th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
I’ve tested these affirmations out using EFT(makes them take hold really fast), and I really like the effect they had. I noticed that in social gatherings I was saying things I’d normally not say and I wouldn’t feel bad afterwards that it was “stupid” or whatever. Instead things just flowed so much better, very nice effects.