Don’t Ask “How” - It’s just disbelief talking!
11 January 2007[Words: 624, Reading Time: ~3mins]
Why is that?
Well, whenever someone says “How do they do that!?†it’s usually expressing disbelief at the event. At the very least, they don’t believe they could pull that off. So what they’re saying is “There’s no way I could have that success†or “There’s no way I could do that!â€
Of course, I’m not referring to the inquisitive mind who’s asking to see something again so they can figure it out. That’s someone simply attempting to discover the mechanics of a technique. You can clearly tell the difference between increduality and inquisition.
So when how is asked in this context, it usually only amounts to an emotional payoff of disbelief and wonder. But more often than not, it also carries an element of jealousy with it, since they have something you don’t.
When you’re asked to be, do or feel something which you perceive as difficult, such as “just be confident†and you answer with “how†I’m willing to bet most of the time when you ask how you haven’t even considered how yourself. You’re just rejecting the suggestion because it’s too simple. Smart people particularly have a problem with things that appear too simple because they’re used to dealing with complicated things. If something is complicated and elusive, then it’s okay not to have achieved it - More education is what’s needed to grasp this elusive concept. But how is not the answer!
So instead of asking how, what should we do? Focus on the end result, what it is you want. This can be used in any situation, or as a broader picture for life. For me, I want fun, freedom and fulfillment. So whenever I’m in a situation that’s unclear to me, I keep these principles in mind and allow them to guide me, rather than focus on too narrow a question like “howâ€.
When we’re asking “How†a lot of the time we’re unclear on the “what†as well. Sometimes, especially if we’ve been doing nothing for a while and we’re inspired we rush headfirst into something just so we can be back in action. While I’m a big fan of action, action without knowing what it is you want to achieve, what’s the end result, can leave you even more frustrated and further behind than before you started. To sum up, get really, really clear on the what, and the how begins to take care of itself.
So how do you know something is a “how� If you can say “I want x so that y†you’re in a how, and not a what. If you want a girlfriend so you can feel complete, wanting a girlfriend is a how, not a what. Now there’s nothing wrong per se with wanting a girlfriend, or any “how†really. The only issue is that you limit yourself that one person has to provide emotional value to you. If you focused on the feeling of completeness you can find that from other sources, and in more abundance, rather than focusing on how you don’t have a girlfriend so you can’t feel complete.
The focus on the lack will keep the feeling of completeness at bay.
Ironically, if you focus more on the what, the end result, the hows actually appear as well. The kicker is that the how won’t appear until you’ve built up the what!
Next time you spot yourself asking how, ask yourself if you’re really just expressing disbelief at something or if you need a specific skill for that situation? If it’s a case of disbelief, work on your belief structure and see what needs to be done to believe in it. If it’s a specific technique you need, make sure you’re staying focused on the “whatâ€.
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