Victim Language: Should
17 December 2006[Words: 883, Reading Time: 4-5 minutes]
“Should†is one of the most destructive words we can use. In virtually all it’s forms it leads to feelings of frustration, anxiety, anger, and resentment.
“I SHOULD HAVEâ€
When looking back at a past experience saying “I should have†is useless at best, destructive to your self esteem at worst. First of all, the event is in the past, so focusing on it too much takes away from focusing on the present or the future. If you’re focusing on the past, and in particular past mistakes, you’re reinforcing negative thought patterns and setting up a repeat of that mistake in the future.
Secondly, it’s in the past, and you can’t change the past. Wouldn’t it be better to accept what happened? You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
Saying “I should have†is actually a way of scolding yourself. Instead of learning from an experience you’re giving out to yourself for screwing up. It’s okay to make mistakes, and it’s better if you give yourself permission to fail and slip up from time to time. After all, no one gave you an instruction book on how to live. When someone else beats themselves up for making a mistake or not being perfect, don’t you give them permission to make a few mistakes? Wouldn’t it be good if you could give yourself that same permission?
But what if you want to learn from your mistakes? Doesn’t saying “I should have†help you pinpoint your errors? You can find out where you could improve on without the use of the word “shouldâ€. For example, instead of saying “I should have checked around for a better price,†it might be better if you say “In future, I’ll shop around a bit more before making a decision.†This way, instead of focusing on the mistake you made, you’re focusing on how you can be better in future.
“I SHOULD DO/BEâ€
Saying “I should do this†or “I should be/try to be†sounds like an external expectation you’re putting on yourself. Something or someone outside of you expects or demands you to be this way, and you really should in order for it to be right. You’re allowing someone else’s values to dictate your actions and attitude. Would it be better if you simply said “I’m going to†instead of “I should� Which one is more empowering? Which phrase places you in charge of your actions?
“YOU SHOULDâ€
Who likes being given orders? My guess is that, deep down, no one really likes being given orders. Telling someone they should do this or that also is quite presumptuous. We seem to have all the answers when it comes to other people’s problems, so why don’t we just apply our knowledge to our own issues?
Saying “you should†also creates a lot of resistance on the part of your listener. Even if you do have a fool proof solution or recommendation, they’re probably not going to be as open to your idea as they would if you phrased it differently. Consider phrasing this command as a question, such as “have you tried…?†or “It might be better if…?â€
“HE/SHE/THEY SHOULDâ€
When we say someone else should do or be something, we’re not accepting them for who they are first of all, and secondly, we’re making our happiness or success dependent on their actions, not ours. In other words, we’re not taking responsibility for our own happiness and development.
Saying “he/she/they should†is a form of judging or criticising someone. And maybe you’re right, maybe they should put down that tub of extra fat ice cream and go for a run. But the fact is they’re doing what they’re doing. Your getting angry at them doesn’t improve the situation, does it? And it rarely, if ever, changes their behaviour, does it?
In another context, saying “he/she/they should†carries the subtext “so I can feel x/y/zâ€. “He should be more patient with me (so I can feel calmer).†“She should know I don’t like that (so I can feel less threatened).†“They should praise me more often (so I can feel valuable).†Ultimately, your feelings are under your control. And people’s actions are under their control. You have a choice as to whether their actions will influence your emotions. To quote Earl Nightingale: We can let circumstances rule us, or we can take charge and rule our lives from within.
I’ve also never witnessed a situation where someone saying “they should†has made them happier. Usually, it’s just led to anger and frustration. Really, do you want more of those feelings? People aren’t mind readers and won’t change their behaviour just because you mutter a should statement under your breathe once in a while.
You may have noticed that in this article I gave a lot of commands which could have been turned into “should†statements quite easily. However, had I written in that manner, you probably wouldn’t have been so open to the ideas I was presenting.
Action Exercises:
- See if it’s better to cut “should†out of your vocabulary. Replace it with more empowering or accepting phrases, depending on the context.
- Give yourself permission to fail. If you find yourself saying “should†please don’t instantly say “I shouldn’t say that!â€
One Response to “Victim Language: Should”
March 5th, 2007 at 9:18 am
[…] Part of the problem is that if your ignorant of the level of commitment and dedication required, or the skill involved you can’t form an accurate image of how well you should do. The second component would be your ego not wanting you to look foolish while you stumble over the first few tries. […]