Victim Language: Want, Need, Have
15 December 2006[Words: 928, Reading time:Â 4-5 minutes]
The language we speak has a profound impact on our reality. Susan Jeffers, author of “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway†regularly conducts an experiment in her workshops to demonstrate this. She would have a member of the audience place her arms straight out in front of her, and say “weak†over and over again. Then Susan would ask the volunteer to resist her arms being pushed down. Without fail, the volunteer would be unable to resist Susan’s push. Susan then asked the volunteer to repeat the word “strong†and repeat the push test. This time, the volunteer was able to resist the push! The difference, the language the person used.
When we use words like “can’tâ€, “need†or “have†the subtext is that we are not in control, that someone else is pulling the strings, that we are the victim. At best we are a passive agent, but definitely not the driving force in our lives. In this article I’ll go through each of these words, show what they’re conveying and give examples of how to replace them.
CAN’T
I should be obvious that saying “I can’t†isn’t empowering.Â
Sometimes saying “I can’t†is a poor excuse, but unfortunately for our growth, it’s one we’re usually allowed to get away with all too easily. When you’re asked “why not?†what’s the answer? More often than not it’s a series of half thought out, mumbled nothings, or a frustrated “I just can’t!â€
There are two strategies to deal with this. The first one, of course, is not to use the word in the first place. Replace it with something else. For example, instead of “I can’t do this†say “I’ve never attempted this before, but I’m willing to give it a shot†At least this way you’re expanding your limits by experimenting. Or instead of “I can’t go,†say “I won’t be there.†Which statement gives the impression of you being in control, rather than your circumstances?
The second strategy: before you utter the words “I can’t†is to pre-emptively ask yourself, why not? Are you just saying you can’t to avoid trying and a potential “failure� Is there a legitimate, iron clad reason why you can’t? Most probably not. Have you even tried before saying you can’t? Because you know you won’t be certain until you try it.
Even “won’t†is better than “can’tâ€. At least “won’t†implies a decision not to do something, rather than “can’tâ€, which is an inability to do so.
NEED
Again, “need†doesn’t come from a place of power. When we say “need†we create an artificial void in out life which absolutely has to be filled just to bring us back to normal. Satisfying the need doesn’t improve or enrich our lives, just brings it from a deficit back up to neutral, and certainly not from neutral to Superior! When we need something, we’re lacking and unhappy.
But what about things that are really necessary, that you really need? To make a phone call you “need†a phone, but how life or death is the call in the first place? To make an omelette you’ll require some eggs, but the omelette isn’t completely necessary is it. This is “need†in a conditional sense, in order to make A you need x, y, and z. My point is the things we “need†are only required to do a task. Because we’ve a tendency to shorten things down we never say “In order to complete that report on time, I’ll need your address,†we say “I need your address.†Once off, it doesn’t make much of a difference to our life, but then again one M&M doesn’t ruin your diet. Over time, hundreds of “needs†add up, and our life becomes a series of deficiency after deficiency.
HAVE
By “have†I mean a sense of obligation, that something else is controlling your time and forcing you to do things. “Have†in the sense of ownership is perfectly fine, “I have a cat†for example. But whenever there is a sense of compulsion we are giving our power away and no longer ruling our lives. “I have to goâ€; “I have to get to workâ€; “I have to get that new car.†Really, you don’t “have†to do anything.
Instead of saying “I have to go to Ben’s†say “I’m going to Ben’sâ€. That way, you are in control, the architect and driving force of your life, not situation. Again it is a subtle difference, but one that really adds up.
THINGS TO DO
1. First of all, make a conscious effort to cut these three victim words out of your vocabulary. This will take a bit of time, but the more your try it the easier it will become. At first, you’ll only be able to stop yourself when you’re fully concentrating on what you’re saying, and when you’re in a good mood and feeling in control. After a while, even when you’re really emotional, you’ll still have control over what you’re saying.
2. Take note of the language people are using around you. Listen out for what powerful people in your life are saying, how they speak. Look out for the victims you encounter, the “poor-meâ€s of this world, and see how differently they speak to the successes.
3. See if there’s other areas of your language that you can improve. Find out which words are empowering for you, and make a conscious effort to use them more often. Discover which words make you feel helpless or hopeless, and eliminate them!
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