Permission to Fail (Avoiding action to avoid failure)
5 November 2006How many times have you stopped yourself from doing something because you didn’t want to make a mistake? To put it another way, when was the last time you didn’t take action because you didn’t know exactly what to say or exactly what to do?
The main reason people don’t take more risks or chose inaction when they’re not absolutely certain of the outcome, is because they believe if they fall or stumble, they’ll be a failure. This is largely due to the fact that we don’t separate our skills or knowledge from ourselves. Usually the line of thinking about failure goes something like this. Not every step has to happen, but the endpoint is reached if it doesn’t go unchecked.
FROM: “That thing I tried failed/It didn’t work out for me.â€
TO: “I failed when I tried that.â€
TO: “I failed.â€
TO: “I’m a failure.â€
When we think about some future event or task we might develop this belief – If I don’t do it perfectly or if I mess up I’m a failure. Since, as humans, we’re more motivated by avoiding harm than a gaining a benefit, this fear overrides our desire to act, even if succeeding at that task will fulfil our hearts desires.
What does worrying about failing lead you to do? Well, if you’re devoting most of your thoughts to avoiding failure and mistakes you’re not committing yourself to the moment. It’s a great way of highlighting outcome dependence, if you’re open to it.
By trying to avoid the pain and embarrassment of failure, you’re avoiding growth. I’m not saying that growth has to be painful (in fact, if it is painful it might be a sign that you’re suffering unnecessarily or working against too much resistance) but if you’re coming from a place where you’re trying to avoid something, you’re in fear mode. If we’re trying to avoid situations in which we can potentially fail or be embarrassed or suffer loss, eventually we’ll shrink away.
Because you’ve entangled your skills and you as a person, failure at any one task/interaction means that someone you’ll be worse off as a result. And this is what makes it really difficult to take those risks necessary to achieve happiness and fulfilment. To paraphrase Susan Jeffers, “Whatever happens, I’ll be okay.†(Susan Jeffers – Fear the Fear and Do It Anyway). I even like to go further, be really brazen and say “Absolutely everything that happens, benefits me both in the short term and the long termâ€. This forces me to look at the positive. I can’t see all the repercussions of failing, so I trust that it’s in my own best interest, especially if I can’t see it and I get caught up in a how rather than a what.
Note: While writing this, my original intention was “Everything that happens benefits meâ€. I added the absolutely so it would sink in deeper for me and permeate into every area of my life. I also used to think that I could just trust that in the long term, everything will be alright. Then I realised I could be sending out the intention/limiting belief that I had to suffer setbacks in the short term for the long term benefit. So I decided that everything could benefit me both in the short term and the long term. Hey presto, I’ve a more powerful affirmation!)
Your nervousness and fear about future interactions heightens any doubts and negative thoughts you have about your performance. It also sends out the intention of failure. You’re focusing on getting laughed at, looking foolish, and feeling embarrassed and stupid. What you dwell upon grows. These feelings take over and make it very difficult, if not impossible, to commit yourself to the moment and excel. What would it be like if you focused on being warmly received, feeling welcomed and looking like an expert and being completely at ease. Put the same weight of emotion into these feelings that you normally put into avoiding the feelings of failure, drop the negative feelings and thoughts entirely and see how your performance improves.
When people fail, they have a tendency to look for more information, more education. What they’re lacking, in 99 cases out of 100, is experience. This is demonstrated with phrases like: I need another way of doing this. I need another technique, another line, I need to talk strategy with my friends before I can do this right. Even with all the information in the world, it takes a number of tries to get it right. But more often than not, after one or two failures, a fear reaction can take over and we go back to the cocoon of research, so next time we’ll definitely know what to do. This leads to over-education.
The thing with over-education is we have no real world experience to relate it to. So our brains can’t connect what we read/hear/watch with existing memories. This makes it a lot easier to forget the information. When it comes to the time to do the task again, we panic because we think we don’t know enough, and so we go back to education again. Education is far safer than the risks of experience. But if we’re caught up in education, our actions are out of line with what we want.
Experience will also enrich the education part of our growth because when we go back to the books after an experience, we know exactly where our skill is lacking in real world situations, and we can go in search of specific knowledge. Plus, anything we read, we have a personal, real world example to connect the theory to in our minds.
Another drawback to over-education is it actually makes it harder to learn, particularly from experience. We become very idealistic, and starting talking and thinking about the way things “should†be. People ‘should’ be friendlier, you ‘should’ be treated better, it ‘should’ be a perfectly fair system, the list goes on and on. Idealism means you’re less open to new ways of thinking, ways which can further you towards greater levels of success and happiness. If we’re less open to learning new things, after an experience that goes against the way you would have liked it to go, instead of asking “okay, so what can I learn from this?†you’ll be saying “it shouldn’t have happened like that!†Over-education leads to righteous indignation.
I’m not saying education is bad. Certainly by reading this you’re engaged in a type of education. Just that education needs to be balanced with experience. You probably also know that greater rewards come with experience. A 40 year old may have the same amount of formal education as a 25 year old, but 15 years working in his chosen field will more than likely mean he’ll receive a higher salary. Education and experience need to be balanced.
I’d like you to think about this: think back over the last month or two. Think of all the things you regret not doing/not taking. Now, think of all the times you were rejected or you failed when you took the risk. Which are more painful to look back on, the missed opportunities, or the mistakes you made? Now repeat the process and look back over your whole life. Which are weighing heavier on your mind? Think into the future, you’re on your deathbed. Which will be more painful, the regrets you have of opportunities you didn’t seize or the times you were rejected? I think the answer is obvious! The greatest risk we can take is not making mistakes, but to miss opportunities.
The next time you’re not seizing an opportunity and saying “I don’t know what to do/how to do it†take a shot. You can find out how to do it after you’ve gained some experience.
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