Certainty & Confidence
22 October 2006[Words: 1859, Reading Time: 6-9 minutes]Â
You may have heard the phrase “with confidence†before, as in “can you say that with confidence?†What is actually been asked is “can you say that with certainty?†Being certain for a lot of people is directly related to confidence.
Often times when people lack confidence, they are unsure of themselves in a particular situation. The opposite of uncertainty to them is confidence, so confidence and certainty become one and the same in their minds. A way of recognising this type of lack of confidence is when we start using phrases like “I supposeâ€, “I guessâ€, “maybeâ€, “possibly†etc. you lack confidence in what you’re saying, and you want to be certain of your skills and abilities.
When I ask people what confidence means to them, one answer I get is “to know that…â€, “to be sure of …†“to be able to (100% of the time)…†There are two main problems with that. The first one is to do with the issue of certainty; the second is to do with what is under your control versus what isn’t. We’ll explore certainty and control in this article.
As humans, we’re pattern finding animals, and we like things to be predictable. If things are predictable, we feel like they’re under our control. According to Brian Tracy the degree to which people feel happy is directed related to the degree to which they are in control of their lives. If something is chaotic, we tend to mistrust it and avoid it. Or we make attempts to control it.
But what can we be certain of? Actually, very little. Philosophy has spent its entire existence searching for certainty, and has yet to find it. In fact, some philosophers have given up on the notion of certain, instead opting for “justified true belief.†So it’s almost certain that you’ll spend your entire life without certainty. If you looked into it, a lot of the things you feel certain of you’ve just assumed to be true.
Without certainty, what do we have? Trust. We can assume that things will happen the way we expect (or want) them to. So what can I not be certain about this article?
- I can’t be certain who’ll read it (or if anyone will read it!)
- I can’t be certain that people will like it.
- I can’t be certain which parts readers will pick up on, and which they’ll ignore. (People could conceivably pick up on one word I use, and miss the point I intended! This has happened more often than not.)
What do I assume as true about this piece?
- I wrote it as best I could
- People will benefit from it.
- I’ll personally benefit from it.
- It will add to the universe
You might be saying right now that you’re not a very trusting person. Or that you don’t have strong beliefs. But, we actually trust a lot more than we think. Looking at a typical day, what do we trust to happen? Just off the top of my head here’s a few: We trust that the alarm will go off on time. We trust that the kettle will work and we’ll have our coffee. We trust that our car will start or that the bus will show. We trust that the lights will work and other drivers won’t run us off the road. We trust our building is still there and so is our job. We trust that our phone will work for calls, there’ll be electricity for your lighting and PC. Etc, etc. I understand that a lot of these things are mechanical, but unless you’re an engineer or particularly techno savvy, you don’t know how most things in your life work, but you trust they will.
You might be saying now that all those things are a given. The point I’m trying to make is that first of all, we trust a lot more than we give ourselves credit for, and secondly, trust is a rather mindless thing.
Since trust is a very mindless thing, usually we only notice it when we lack it. So, if I ask you to think about what and who you place your trust in it might be difficult to answer. But take a few minutes and do it now. Think of the five people you spend most of your time with. Ask yourself what do you trust most about them? What do you trust them to bring to your relationship/do for you? Think about some of the actions you do regularly: what do you trust to happen in order for these things to happen in the first place? What and who do you trust during the process? What results do you trust will happen? Another useful way to think about it is what do you trust will/won’t happen that others around you don’t? What do others trust will happen (and usually materialises) that you have difficulty trusting?
Trust manifests itself not just in how you think, but in your actions. Anytime you do something based on the belief that someone else will either help you or perform a related task, you’re trusting that they’ll complete it. If you ever leave something completely up to someone else, which we do all the time, you’re placing your trust in them.
I’d also like to convey that like a lot of things in life, trust isn’t this one massive leap of faith or nothing at all. There are degrees of trust, much the same as confidence (self esteem, self acceptance, self respect) happiness, and security.
To develop greater levels of trust, we can build on all the little units of trust we deposit with others every day. (Really anytime you trust someone else we’re trusting ourselves. Placing faith in our decision to trust them.) When the time comes to invest a large amount of trust in someone else (or even yourself!) we can draw on all the times we trusted in someone and it paid off for us. But now, hopefully you’re more aware of how and when you trust, so you can begin to consciously control what you place your trust in.
Oftentimes our lack of trust is actually outcome dependency. Trust issues are outcome issues. What can you trust? That you’ll be okay, regardless of the outcome. Trust for me is that no matter what happens it will be in my best interest and the best interest for everyone around me. Outcome dependency is placing your happiness and confidence in external situations. “If it doesn’t work out exactly like this, I won’t be okay.†(For more, see “Commitment to a Goal versus Attachment to an Outcome.”)
What can you be certain about? Certainty starts from within, like so much else in life that we look for outside ourselves. So you can ask yourself the question “What can I be certain of?â€
I spent some time answering this question myself to see what would come up. My answers were:
- That I’m in control of my life (my thoughts, my emotions, my actions). This was the major one for me – it highlights again how I’m only responsible for myself, ultimately.
- That I’ll give my best once I commit.
- That I’ll be compassionate, open and honest with people.
- That I’ll bring a positive element to any situation or interaction.
- That I’ll live in my own integrity and be true to it.
I then asked what I wanted to be certain of, in the broader sense of things:
- That people will always be happy to see me and respond favourably to me.
- That certain people will stay in my life.
At this point I stopped writing anything down because it became fruitless for me. Usually things outside our boundary and our control fall under the list of things you want to be certain about. To take my first answer above: how could I know absolutely 100% that people would be happy to see me? What if they weren’t happy, period? How can I be certain people infer something I didn’t imply and react unfavourably to that? Looking at the second answer: while I do trust that I’ll always have an abundance of friends to call upon exactly who stays in my life depends on a number of things. We’re all walking our own path and if my path isn’t the same as my friends well then naturally we’ll grow apart. If our paths merge again in the future, well then we’ll pick it up again.
We can really only focus on ourselves, then we can give our best to everybody. If you find out what part of any outcome you want is under your control, you can focus on that (through you intentions, thoughts, actions and emotions) and stop suffering on what isn’t in your control.
Note that all the elements I can be certain of are more to do with me (with who I am) and less to do with the skills I have at anything. I mightn’t have the skills to succeed at any one particular venture but I’m certain I have the willpower and the ability to apply myself fully to the goal.
What assumptions can you make, now that you’ve let go of certainty? Simple ones like the travel agent will have your tickets ready? Certainly! We make assumptions like this all day. But I think that’ seriously underutilising what you can achieve with the power of assumptions. A simple formula for getting the most out of it is:
- Decide what you want
- Assume it’s already true.
- Act accordingly.
Imagine if you had the assumption you always make people feel better. How would this influence your actions? More than likely you’ll endeavour to do and say certain things differently than you had done previously in your interactions. You’ll also read situations differently – we all view life through a filter anyway so this way the filter acts to benefit you and everyone you deal with.
A word of advice on this – if you’re changing a long established relationship, maybe one in which you used to fight everyday and now you’re assuming a co-operative approach, the other person may not be able to deal with this at first, because you’re changing the rules of engagement with them. In fact, they may provoke you at try to force you back into your own role since that is what they’re used to and comfortable with. But, if you keep your assumption the other person will begin to accept this new role and relationship.
Finally, looking at the drawbacks of certainty. Certainty can equal predictability, and predictability is a little boring isn’t it. I mean, which is more enjoyable: a surprise or certainty? For most people, a surprise! (I’m talking bout nice surprises here, of course) So instead of looking for certainty you can look forward to the surprise of it all, what the universe will deliver to you. You can go into new things with an experimental mindset? You’re going to see what happens as a result of your actions.
Food for thought,
Colm.
2 Responses to “Certainty & Confidence”
November 5th, 2006 at 6:15 pm
[…] The main reason people don’t take more risks or chose inaction when they’re not absolutely certain of the outcome, is because they believe if they fall or stumble, they’ll be a failure. This is largely due to the fact that we don’t separate our skills or knowledge from ourselves. Usually the line of thinking about failure goes something like this. Not every step has to happen, but the endpoint is reached if it doesn’t go unchecked. […]
February 9th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
[…] Since you can never be certain, you can chose to believe that you enrich people’s lives with everything you do. […]